Justin seemed broken after the raid. He didn't tell me much really, but there are whispers in Hogsmeade. He saw two people die. Right in front of him. MacDougals.

It's hard to tell when someone who is usually stoic is... more quiet than normal. I don't know what to say or do. Be here, I suppose. That's all he really did for me  after Andy  when I needed him. He's gone back to work like everything is normal, but I know that sometimes it's what you have to do. If you just sit at home doing nothing, you go mad.

Yet, he goes to a job where he sees dead people every day.

Not sure if that's really better for him.

Daniel owled.

Tom owled him.

I am going to kill Tom.

The only people talking to me are in this pub or family   wish I could talk to Suse 

He hasn't even "lived" here for two weeks and I'm already going nuts. That's normal, right? It has to be normal.

Of course, most people probably don't have to live with someone who is a little OCD. Or a lot, depending on how you'd like to look at it. Maybe because he wasn't "really" living here, whatever that means, he tried harder not to let it seep out... but it's seeping. Oh is it seeping.

If I hear him sigh one more time before picking up a pair of socks I left on the floor before looking over at me with that expression on his face, I'm going to go nuts. They'll have to put me beside Lockhart at Mungo's because I will literally go crazy.

The man talks about moving somewhere else with me and adopting children, for Godric's sake, but he can't stand living with me.

This was a bad idea.

Justin had to leave early on Christmas day. He was only home for a few hours to sleep before they called him back in. I was really hoping he'd get a little time off. We basically live together   you know, without the actually asking him to live here part   but with our schedules, it's like we barely see each other.

We did spend most of the day together on Christmas Eve. We visited his mum. It didn't start out well, but it ended well, I think. She wants him to date Hannah, or thought he was dating Hannah. Either way, she called me a hussy, or a tart, or something to that effect. It wasn't the first time I'd been called such, but I was truly hoping to make a good first impression.

She reminds me of Grandmum Bree. She has these stunning moments of lucidity, followed by completely random words inserted that make no sense. It has to be hard on Justin. She kept asking for his father and sister. I don't even know how he'd be able to hold that information back, even if she would forget it in a few moments anyway. He's stronger than I am. So much.

I think received an owl from Susan. I can't be sure, but I think so. I don't know what to do. I am very good at ruining friendships, but bloody horrible at putting them back together.

It still hurts.

Daniel and Becky owled. She's expecting again. He asked when it would be my turn   He said that Mum is expecting me to bring 'my man' around soon. As we're all but 'shacked up' together, it'd be 'only proper'. Proper my lily-white arse. Nothing in my family is proper. What he meant was Mum has said nothing, but he wants to watch myself and Justin sweat out the first meeting like he and Becky had done.  I'm not ready for that  Maybe later this year. Everything is too busy right now.

Percy Weasley and Theodore Nott have no idea what they've done with their refusals. At least Weasley's was polite and including flowers. I didn't tell Justin who sent them. His scowl was quite cute. It he gets jealous, I'll laugh out loud.

This, of course, means I'll have to resort to more drastic means to get my interviews. They'll find out just what lengths I'll go to. Securing an article is one of my favorite challenges. They best be prepared.

I've been in a bubble for the last week or so. It's a very safe bubble and I don't want to leave it.

It's a Justin bubble and I'm quite happy being in it.

I've been going to work at Weasleys'. Fred doesn't look at me in concern anymore, which means I've been putting on weight. Justin assures me he can't see it, but call me shallow, but I don't like it. I know I wasn't eating correctly when I was... when I was in France, but still.

Gods, I sound so shallow. Good thing no one reads this but me. I already know I can be shallow.

I've been avoiding downstairs and the blond with a temper that basically resides there. I know she wasn't kidding. She'd liquify my insides if I made her angry. I don't know if Justin's talked to her. Probably. They're best mates. Somehow, I don't think that comforts me much. It should, but it's Abbott Hannah. She's frightening when angry.

As is Susan. It's abundantly clear that people, myself included, underestimate the power of Hufflepuffs when they're angry.



I don't know what to do with myself. I know Justin has been doing things at work, things to find the Frenchman. I can't feel useless. I loathe feeling useless. I need to do something, for Andy. For Cat. For Steven. I have no idea what, though. Try telling a Gryffindor that they can't do something and watch it blow up in your face. I'll find something. I'll find a way to make sure their deaths weren't in vain.

I got an invitation to a ball.

A masquerade ball.

It's from Simone Capper. Sometimes dinner partner and surprise friend of Blaise's. Not sure what to do with that. I don't have the money right now to buy a dress, let alone one that would be good enough for a masquerade ball.

Suppose I could cover it for the Prophet?

No. Of course not.

Though... it is a fashion event in one way... that may be enough for Barney.

Justin

It'd probably be better if I go as a reporter. Wouldn't have to have a date then. Justin would hate

It'd probably be easier for everyone involved, actually.

Now I have to think about it.

Bloody balls.

He sent me a tree. There's a tree sitting in my living area between the two chairs. I now have three things in the living area.

What am I supposed to do with a tree?

Don't get me wrong. I'm very... he owled me and it had been a while and even though I didn't show it, I guess I'd been waiting for it.

It's a tree.

Does it  What does that mean? What do I say?

 It's late. I'm awake. I know I have to be up tomorrow for work. I know this. I can't get to sleep.

I feel like I'm waiting for something. I don't know what. But I'm waiting. Maybe it's for something good. Something that will make me happy. I'm not  It feels more like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.   It always

This always happens. I have documented proof of this happening. Well, I had documented proof, until my last journal was burnt to ash and left in the bathtub in my old flat. It was there. Every couple of months, this happens and I know it'll get better eventually.

I'm going to drag tomorrow. I also know Fred will probably ask me what's wrong, and there is no truthful answer because I don't know.

Mum and Dad keep asking me if I'm seeing anyone. I'm not sure what to say. This, of course, is not new to me. I couldn't have told them about Cat and Steven. Especially about Cat. They wouldn't have understood. I love my parents, I do, but they are traditional. How was I supposed to tell them I liked a girl? Or girls? Or that I was in a relationship with two people? I couldn't.

This thing with Justin is just that. This thing. I use boyfriend in my head, but I'm not sure if that's right. I have a picture of him and Hannah on the night table on the side of the bed that I call 'his,' even though he doesn't sleep here often. I have his favorite lager in the icebox just in case he comes over. I buy movies I think he'll like, even though I know I might not.

But what I said earlier? "This thing with Justin"? Doesn't that just show what I mean? This thing? I said 'this thing', as if I'm waiting for 'this thing' to dissipate and dissolve. Evaporate. Vanish. Be taken

And I feel ridiculous even writing this because it doesn't matter. In a few days or weeks, I'll feel better. I just know

It's summer. Summer and Winter. Summer we were on the beaches. Cat's favorite season.

Winter we bundled up and ate by the fire. Winter was Steven's favorite season.

What's my favorite season?

Whenever they were  I don't know.

It doesn't matter. Go to sleep, Lavender. Go to sleep. Maybe you'll see